Long before mash-ups were all the rage, an adolescent me had visions of comic grandeur. I occasionally put pen to paper and in my hormone and Stridex-addled state, attempted to write things that I thought were brilliant bits of sketch comedy. Well, this past weekend, the Wife and I dug a bunch of boxes out of the old family storage unit to be reorganized and transported to the NEW family storage unit. Among the detritus of my murky past, I stumbled upon one of these sketches that appears to be of high school vintage.
Perhaps against my better judgment, I have decided to post it in its full, un-revised glory for you lovely readers. BEHOLD A GLIMPSE INTO THE MIND OF HIGH SCHOOL GEOFF!
The Lost Works of Jane Austen
NARRATOR
Good evening and
welcome to The Lost Works of Jane Austen.
Today, we will see a scene from one of Ms. Austen’s earlier works. Written
during her adolescent years, this piece addresses the awkwardness and
insecurities which so many of us feel during puberty. I know I sure did... (uncomfortable pause) ... So, without further
ado, I give you Jane Austen’s Dungeons and
Dragons.
(ELIZABETH sits at a table having tea. Across from
her sits a DWARF in armor with a battle axe by his side.)
ELIZABETH
It is most kind of
you to come calling kind sir. I’m afraid we receive few visitors during these
long winter months. But I am afraid I have not yet learned your name.
DWARF
I am called
Thorblack Firehammer, Slayer of The Great White Wyrm and Lord of Thunderhall!
ELIZABETH
Oh my! Well, it
certainly is a pleasure to meet you Mr. Black. Are you perchance a relation of
the Gloucester Blacks?
DWARF
I come from the
Underrealm buried deep within the Daggertooth Mountains beyond the Shadowmoors.
ELIZABETH
I suppose not then.
The Gloucester Blacks surely would have mentioned if they had a lord in the
family. They are the most dreadful braggarts. Would you care for some more tea
Mr. Black?
DWARF
I much prefer to
slake my thirst with a frothing flagon of mead...
ELIZABETH
Well, I’m afraid
we’re fresh out of mead. I can offer you a bit of brandy to take the edge off
the cold.
(She goes to pour the brandy into his cup, but the
DWARF snatches the bottle away and pounds the whole thing.)
DWARF
Aye, that’s good for
what ails ye.
ELIZABETH
(Taken aback) Oh my... Uh, well Mr. Black, you
have not yet told me the purpose of your call.
DWARF
I come seeking
plunder and conquest!...
ELIZABETH
How simply dreadful!
I am afraid you have had too much brandy Mr. Black and I must ask you to take
your leave.
DWARF
Not ‘til ye hand
over yer gold!
ELIZABETH
I shall do no such
thing! Now I bid you good day!
DWARF
Then I shall take it
by force! Aye, and ye’ll make a fine wench to warm me bed.
ELIZABETH
I do not accept your
proposal Mr. Black, and shall defend my honor to the last.
DWARF
Good! There be
nothin’ like a good brawl... Now you shall fall beneath the mighty stroke of
Orcsbane, Axe of the East Star!
(He charges Her with axe raised overhead and she
promptly knees him in the groin. The DWARF collapses to the floor in a fetal
position.)
ELIZABETH
Little did you know
that I have +5 mastery in crotch kicking. (She
flounces offstage.)
(End)
©Geoff Nunn
Honestly, I think I may try to turn this into something a little more polished with a bit more of an arc to the scene. Anyway, stay tuned to the blog, because this weekend turned up some other awesome stuff from my childhood that I plan on sharing with all you lovely folks.
AMAZING :D
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